Whenever a new client comes to the intake session, I go through a checklist of important things that I need to let them know so they can decide whether they want to work with me as their therapist.
I start by explaining how I work, how Art Therapy works, how long the sessions are, what my rate is, and my cancellation policy. Lastly, I always tell them: “If we ever meet outside the studio/office, and you’re with someone, I’m going to ignore you and pretend like we don't know each other. Now, if you approach me and say hi, of course, I will gladly engage and address you.”
After I say this, my clients often look at me with a disappointed or puzzled expression. I explain to them that there is no shame in going to therapy. The only reason I do this is to protect their privacy. I don't want to put them in a position where they have to explain who I am to a work colleague, their boss, or a person they just met. As a therapist living on an island with a small community, I view this as one of the key boundaries in the mental health profession.
I also won't meet with clients outside of the therapeutic space. If I agree to chat with a client over coffee at a café or diner, they may misunderstand the kind of relationship we have. I honestly care about my clients, but I am not their friend or confidant. This kind of confusion would only hurt the therapeutic process.
By keeping these boundaries clear, I can provide my clients with a safe space in which they can share anything about themselves without fear of being judged. It also allows me the distance needed to confront them with difficult truths that are hard to hear, even if I do it in the most compassionate way.
This is why your friends should NEVER be your therapist.
Imagine, for example, that you have a close friend who becomes your husband's therapist. This close friend has known you and your husband for a long time. She has been a friend of the family, she knows your kids and parents, and she went to your wedding, etc.
During a therapy session, your husband confesses that he is having an affair. This puts your therapist friend in a very uncomfortable situation. Because she is obliged to uphold confidentiality, she has to pretend like nothing is happening the next time she comes over for dinner or talks to you on the phone.
Let me give you another example that I encounter quite often. I have many friends who are mothers. Sometimes they ask me if I can see their kids because they are going through a rough patch. It’s possible that they may be acting out something that is happening at home, so it needs to be addressed within the family system, which means I need to go inside the system and see what’s going on with parents, siblings, and their family history.
What I normally discover, after uncovering a few skeletons in the closet, is that in many cases, parents need to change the way they are parenting their children for the child’s behavior to change. This is something delicate to communicate to a mother or father, especially if they are convinced they are raising their kids the right way. Parents do the best they can with the tools they have. But some of their ideas might be outdated or not appropriate for the child’s needs.
These are only a few examples, but there are many ways the friend-therapist relationship can be not only inconvenient but unethical. Whether you are seeing a coach, a counselor, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, an educated professional will keep boundaries in place, protect your privacy, and will not be your friend, precisely because they have your best interests at heart.
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